Routine Physical with a Vampire

Posted by Jeff on June 1, 2009 under Humor |

The following contains spoilers for the “Twilight” series. It also contains questions pertaining to the science of boning. I may win several literary awards.

A minor note before we get into the hot and sticky stuff- in the Twilight series it’s revealed that vampires have twenty-eight chromosomes, two more than humans and one more than werewolves. Apparently vampire venom is made up of a bunch of chromosomes for the genetic recombination that takes place when a human is turned. I’m no geneticist but that sounds a bit off.

We can all agree vampires love blood. They drink it and it makes them strong. They have no blood of their own, so vampires can’t feed off one another. Twilight vampires are the same- very dry individuals. They don’t bleed, they don’t sweat, they don’t cry. They mope, a lot, but they don’t cry. So, in the fourth book, when Bella and Edward get funky (after marriage, the book was written by a Mormon) how does Bella get pregnant? Because she does! And, in true barely-legal mom fashion, she gives her baby one straight-up idiotic name. But where’d the baby juice come from? One theory is that it was vampire venom, the only fluid Edward can produce, canonically speaking. So the same stuff comes out of Edward’s mouth comes out of his Dracula-dong? I don’t think so. One friend told me she thinks that it’s like cement-mix, which is a) gross and b) not really an explanation so much as it was, well, gross. And the “no precious bodily fluids” thing goes even further. I’m not just worries about payload; I’m worried about the delivery system. Boners require blood! Hot, excited, pounding blood! If vampires are never changing creatures then how can Edward get it up? Meyer uses a boatload of terms to describe how the vampires are so smooth, cold, and above all, rock hard. Is that her way of saying the Cullens are a family of golden-eyed priapists? In couplings where both partners are vampires is a lot of lube required? Or is there some other loophole for that, too? And most importantly, why have I spent so much time thinking about how fictional characters get down?

Twilight has a big fanbase. A fanbase you could go so far as to call “rabid.” I’m sure I’m not the only person to consider this (“Team Edward” I’m looking at you) so please, by all means, enrich my life with your knowledge! You can e-mail your research, well-cited essays, and brain curdling fan-fiction to separatedchaff@gmail.com.

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