Posted by Jeff on July 29, 2009 under Humor | 
O beautiful and pale mistress!
You tempt me
You push me to the very limits of my endurance.
Feeling you, cool and supple against my skin.
Tasting you, smooth against my lips.
My tongue moves over you in slightly salty ecstasy.
When my eyes fall upon you, I must take you
I strip you and in that moment I know I will regret what I do.
I do it anyway.
I need you that badly.
But damn, string cheese, you give me gas something wicked.
Posted by Jeff on July 17, 2009 under Fiction, Humor |
Abigail Gormwitz sat on the bench in the examination room. Her husband, Henry, stood behind her, his huge hands resting on her shoulders. Abby’s doctor finally looked up from her diagnostics and sighed.
“Mrs. Gormwitz, there’s no easy way to say this. You’re suffering from a slowly cascading series of shutdowns in half the relays into your CPU.” Henry could feel her tense up and then her chrome-plated fingers slid up and over his riveted knuckles.
“What does that mean?” She asked.
“It’s a significant problem. It’s hard to say exactly what course it will take in the end, but the symptoms you’ve been suffering will get worse. The headaches will get more painful and last longer. The blackouts will not only persist but begin to lead to permanent corruption of memory files. Your motor skills, first fine and then gross, will-”
“We get it, it’s bad,” Henry interrupted, tightening his grip on his wife’s shoulders. “So what do we do?”
The doctor looked back down at the charts for a moment and then shook his head. “There aren’t a lot of options. A few stopgap measures, mostly. The only cure would be a complete overhaul of most of your wife’s systems.”
“But you can do it?”
“Yes. But it’s not an easy procedure. And with parts and labor it’s very expensive.”
“It doesn’t matter. How much?”
-
Abby watched as her husband paced the kitchen floor. “Honey,” she said, “it’s alright. We’re going to be okay.” Henry spun and faced her.
“Okay? Okay, Abby?!” He slammed one of his thick steel fists onto the counter, shattering it. “You’re sick. A complete shutdown!” He swept his fist to one side, scattering counter fragments across the floor.
“Henry, there are those therapy sessions he talked about… and if I watch my intake…”
“Then what? You’ll last a few more years? We need to get you that operation.”
“We can’t afford it. Your insurance from the plant…”
He turned away. “It’s crap. I know. Dammit, Abby!” He turned back to her, his eyes dim. “Look, a few weeks ago Jack came by the factory… he said…”
Abby got to her feet. “Henry! You can’t consider going back into the ring!”
“What choice is there, Abby? What choice do we have?”
-
Jack was already stirring a cup of coffee when Henry got to the diner. Jack had been a good manager considering, or in spite of, the fact he was a human. The years hadn’t been kind to him and Henry noted that the few hairs left on top of his head were plastered down with sweat.
“Henry, my old friend! I was so happy when I got your message! What changed your mind? Missing the glory after all?”
Henry looked down until his blocky chin was almost against his convex chest. “Abby is sick, Jack.”
Jack had the decency to look concerned for almost a full minute. “That’s rough, Henry. So it’s financial motivation, then?”
“Yeah. We can’t afford-”
“Well great! It just so happens I’m putting together a special event. One of your old colleagues is coming out of retirement, too. I figger we get you two in the ring, you go a few rounds, and to the victor goes the spoils. Probably get an endorsement or two, maybe even a run of the talkshow circuit. Sounds good?”
“Only for the winner.”
“Ah, Henry, you’ll just have to give him hell!”
“Who is it?”
“You remember Carmine?”
-
The night of the big fight, Henry found himself across the ring from Carmine the Butcher. It was a pretty fair match; the bookies were running almost even odds. Carmine was manufactured half a decade before Henry, but Carmine had gotten a bit of work done and his modifications eliminated the age discrepancy. The difference was in their approach to fighting. Carmine was practically a berserker- there was almost never a pause in his flurry of blows. Henry used to be called “The Hammer,” he’d take a few hits and then let loose a powerful strike. Now he wasn’t sure he could do it. He looked down at his fists, the blue metal gleaming in the overhead spotlights. He looked across the ring at Carmine, who was already working himself into a frenzy, and then over to Abby, who was smiling nervously. She gave him a little wave and then looked down at her hands. At the ref’s signal, Henry stood and made his way to the center of the ring. The ref was talking to him, but the noise was so far away. All Henry could think about was the operation. Suddenly there was the ring of the bell and Carmine was on him.
Henry faltered back, guarding himself against the sudden onslaught. The crimson paint scraped off Carmine’s knuckles leaving streaks along Henry’s shoulders and arms. A few strikes hit him in the ears and Henry crouched, shoving his opponent away. As Carmine came whirling back, Henry pulled back a heavy fist and landed a hit square in the other robot’s chest. Carmine staggered back and surveyed his crumpled breastplate and then his fists were flying again. Henry managed to get a good hit in for every six he received. Towards the end of the second round, Henry was concerned. He listened to the methodical chanting of the crowd, set his jaw, and headed back into the fray.
The goal of the fighters was clear- as much damage to the head as possible. Hits to the chest and arms were really meant to push the other fighter back, not to cause any real harm. Henry managed to get a good blow to Carmine’s ear but in doing so opened himself up to several hits in the nose. He felt the metal crumple and one of the bolts in his jaw became partially unthreaded. As he faltered, prepared to go down for the count, he saw his wife. She had turned her face away and was sobbing into her palms. He turned back to Carmine who hit him in the face again. The red robot, confident in his victory, stepped back to wind up for the final blow. Henry narrowed his eyes and took a half step forward. He twisted his body and drove his fist directly up into Carmine’s chin.
Later, what Henry remembered was the noise. He’d caught his rival underneath his chin, but his fist kept moving. Carmine’s head kicked back, but not far enough. As Henry’s fist rose past Carmine’s shoulders, so did Carmine’s head. There was a horrible grinding noise underneath the tortured scream of twisting metal. In the replays the heavily grooved side of Carmine’s spinal core could be seen ripping up through the body. Henry looked into Carmine’s eyes, now a foot and a half higher than they were. He thought maybe the robot was staring at him. Later doctors told him it was impossible. Carmine was dead before he even began to fall. Henry shrugged off Jack, who had materialized screaming about fame and fortune. As he made his way towards Abby he again noticed the rhythmic chant of the crowd:
“Rock! Him! Sock! Him! Rock! Him! Sock! Him!”
Posted by Jeff on July 6, 2009 under POGWI |
The wide sweeping bramble of the internet can be daunting. Say, for example, you are looking for a recipe to make a tasty chicken pot pie. Due to the huge amount of information available online, finding a chicken pot pie recipe on the internet is like finding a needle in a haystack. Or to use a more accurate simile, like finding a recipe on the internet.
Search engines are the sherpas of internet mountain. There are several search engines online. Google is one of the biggest and most popular, and a personal recommendation. Since its search page is exceptionally simple, it is the easiest and quickest to use. Yahoo, on the other hand, hits you with as much information as it can cram onto one page- everything from headlines to your local weather. If you’re after something specific, use Google. If you want to keep your finger right on the pulse of the world around you, use Yahoo.
Search engines are very easy to use. Simply type what you’re looking for into the box and hit “search.” So why dedicate a POGWI to it? Experience has shown that sometimes assuming a user understands something leads to disaster when they really don’t know what you’re talking about. Furthermore, there is a more complex side to search engines that many people don’t know about- operators.
Unfortunately, operators are not women who sit on the other side of the internet plugging different wires into different holes all day to help connect you to websites. Operators are terms that help tell the search engine what you’re looking for.
And- And is the simplest operator of them all. It is so simple that it doesn’t need to be used because search engines include it automatically. In the recipe example, searching for “chicken pot pie” (minus the quotes) actually runs a search for chicken AND pot AND pie. The search engine then pulls up pages that have all three words on them.
Quotation marks- Typing something into a search engine with quotes around it searches for that specific term. So “chicken pot pie” (minus quotes) might pull up a page that says “Becky trapped a live chicken in a pot! We let it go and all had pie” on it someplace. “Chicken pot pie” (with quotes) would only pull up pages with the three words in a row.
Or- Or is an operator when you want to pull up pages that have at least one of a few words. Searching for “chicken OR pot OR pie” (minus quotes) could pull up pages pertaining to handling livestock, marijuana, and fruit pies of the Pennsylvania Dutch. A truly useful search.
Not- Not will exclude pages from your search if they have a specified keyword on them. If you wanted to find only homemade pot pies and not frozen kinds, you might search for “chicken pot pies NOT microwavable” (again, minus the quotes.) You can combine operators and search for “”chicken pot pies” NOT microwavable” to prevent that weird story about Becky from showing up again.
Happy searching! I look forward to my pot pies!
Posted by Jeff on July 3, 2009 under Fiction, Humor |
Today I have the honor of presenting you with an amazing scientific discovery. Surges of radiation were discovered bouncing off the Horsehead Nebula. Just this morning the surges were decoded as information we could read. They are the thoughts and ideas from the future, from a time when human beings have evolved past the needs of mortal bodies and have become creatures of energy and thought. The numbers before each entry are thought to be some advanced form of dates, though the system it is based on is unclear. While certain parts of speech become muddied without corporeal form, the messages are clear.
Enjoy the majesty of this peek into where humanity is headed.
244762
Bellax has invited one to the outer rings of the Sunset System. There it and one shall attent to 3 x 1010 Hz and 3 x 1017 Hz. The event is supposed to be an exquisite display of energies. One is sublimely enthused about this schedule.
244783
The event was amazing. Bellax makes an excellent companion. One can not get over how good it looked glowing in the upper spectrum of the rings. It also has the most beautiful curls of abstract thought that one has ever seen in one’s existence. One hopes to see it again soon.
245118
One has tried contacting Bellax several times. It claims it never receives one’s pulses. Once it did answer but the conversation was short, awkward. It made small talk briefly and said it had to end transmission. Current emotion is disappointed.
249050
Elation! Bellax finally had a transmission with one lasting longer than 221! It suggested that it and one transmit cloud-to-cloud. One suggested another trip to the Sunset System. Bellax said that it was thinking of someplace busier, where other beings may be. One is confused but excited for another date!
250112
One hates one’s existence.
250301
Retraction! One hates Bellax’s existence! It thinks it is the greatest being in the multiverse, but it is wrong. One has seen the multiverse and there are plenty of beings far superior! It thinks it is so attractive, with its stupid curls of abstract thought and glittering spheres of memory. One does not need Bellax. One is happy alone! Current emotion is furious.
252203
Paklin probed into my system today. It says one should not be so down about Bellax. One is not thinking about Bellax, one is enjoying time as single.
252213
One is so lonely.
254976
Saw Bellax at Raoen Vertex today. It looked so beautiful. It was with a younger being, with slimmer planes of theoretic reasoning. Bellax should be ashamed of itself, it’s companion could not have been older than 77320!
In other news, one joined a gymnoversity today.
256210
Bellax pulsed today. It said it enjoyed seeing one at the Vertex, and that it and one should get together. It said it likes one, just not in a joined-in-a-dual-mind way.
Bellax is a dickhead.